Over and over again i solemnly abjure myself to be truthful when dealing with others, to present a true picture of myself, and, when i come across contradictory or unpleasant truths in others, not to meekly back down... Why do i always end up submitting to someone's presumptions and stupidity, their narrowness of range?... In order not to be thought badly of, i end up doing and saying things i despise.
For instance, i meet a friend in the shopping centre and the talk turns to girls. At the drop of a hat we slip into the old language, rehearse the same tedious routines, the old macho bullshit. Naturally enough the talk becomes coarse if not obscene.
But the truth is i'm tired of these rituals and was tired of them even at fifteen. "Prove you're not queer by talking luridly about girls and sex" is the underlying motif. A stinking old swindle and one familiar to every boy.
I wish that for once and for all i could be honest with people, tell them honestly what i love and hate, taking into account the whole breadth of my doubts and complexities, and damn the consequences.
But perhaps honesty is not socially desirable.