If i feel acted upon, as i often do, as is inevitable, rather than controlling the outcome and the direction of my time, it will lead me to a feeling of fatalism, doom, anxiety... I will be anxious because i am acted upon rather than acting independently, to realise my objectives in full autonomy and the most precise reasoning, unclouded by the prejudices of others, above all unencumbered by traditions of authority, that decree how my life should be. My time is structured by others, by tradition, and thus are my activities, my loves, my very dreams affected and circumscribed. Others may have adapted to this. I never have.
I feel dirtied by the obcene tides of time, ever ebbing and falling, catching me and soaking all my labours with their stink. Hours and days flow past me. I jump through hoops, by someone else's decree, as though prodded into life by a jolt of electricity. I am not grateful, i am sorry and enraged. So much of my lassitude and misery comes from this ingrained attitude of looking at time, seeing the inevitability of certain actions, which arise as part of "playing the game", at the behest of others, not in accordance with me as an autonomous, thinking, independent being, full of awareness and reason, but merely as though i had been reduced to the status of an object that is "acted upon".