"The difficulty is that i unfortunately have a heart to apprehend these awkward situations, and that i have also a keen mind to laboriously dissect them, looking at them from every possible angle, going too deep into detail, pondering too much on their imagined significance, seeing in too great detail their imagined subtleties. This is my nature, and therefore it cannot be a wrong thing, as opposed to a bad thing, or a harmful thing, which it may certainly be.
My struggle is whether to fully correspond with my own nature (subjective, uncertain, painfully self-contained) thought it costs me a huge amount of suffering, or to objectify, that is, falsify myself, for the sake of others, in order to appear happier and more self-assured, in short to lessen the load of self-consciousness, which seems most of the time to be inseperable from honesty, from "being yourself", from appearing as i actually am. My conscience dictates that i must appear at all times as i am, considering subjectively, from inside, whatever the cost in suffering, since the subjective viewpoint can so easily become a position of isolation, of torment, of pain."
No comments:
Post a Comment