If i reach the conclusion or postulate as a theory that this is man's natural condition (which i am by no means fully convinced of), i will have to also find some way to cure it. For i know, if i know anything, that it is an intolerable position, and yet the only true one.
So i need something, some distraction or other, to give me solace, to keep me alive no less. Culture, art, religion, music, all have their good points but it's not long before i tire of them all, or rather they come to me tired and strange-seeming, and i reject them, not wishing to see or hear any more. The other great hope is companionship and love. These indeed seem to be the greatest help for the relief of my condition, but the relief they impart has the great disadvanage of being too brief, and endless attempts to recapture the feeling are not wise. The sensations fade, break apart, become corrupted.
Above all i do not want to deceive myself. A question of interpretation, how the outside world is to be interpreted. I cannot lie anymore, i cannot appear to be fulfilled if i do not feel it. In reality, i feel nothing at all.
It seems i'm getting bogged down in conjecture... If this is unreadable it will at least be honestly unreadable, a true product. I have tried to live as a free man, as an honest man, as a man of integrity, and i have found it to be intolerable. My conclusion, it seems, is a dead end, or a blank wall.
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